Your Guide to South Carolina

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A map of South Carolina, as seen by the notoriously snobbish Charlestonians. Lots of inside humour here, and nothing ruins an inside joke like having somebody spell it out for you -- but here I go anyway:

• My hometown is between the Peachoid and the PTL. The Peachoid is a giant peach-shaped water tower in Gaffney. Or at least, it was intended to look like a peach. There is another (unintended) likeness, which I can explain later
• PTL is Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker's famous televangelical ministry and theme park, which went belly-up shortly after Jim got caught sleeping around and paying hush money (PTL stands for "Praise the Lord", "People that Love" or according to a Charlotte radio station, "Pass the Loot."  The ministry was eventually taken over by Jerry Falwell, who famously posed for this picture, going down the PTL waterslide in a 3-piece suit
• Bob Jones University (aka BJU). You've got to learn about this place. Fundamentalist university, just a few blocks from Furman, where I went to university. Check out their code of conduct, including dress codes.  And of course, this remarkable set of rules, which prohibits immodest photos, but only requires trigger locks for pistols brought on campus.
• Nuclear Waste: See Savannah River Plant. They make nuclear weapons there.
• Football and Corruption (and beloved symbols of our proud Southern heritage): That would be Columbia, where you can find the state capitol, the University of South Carolina, rebel flags, and various Confederate ghosts.
• Golf and K-Mart by the Sea. Myrtle Beach, and I'm guessing, the Waccamaw outlets.
• Pat Conroy. Look him up. Better yet, read The Water is Wide.